A tale of 40ish days

Spiritual detour ahead.  Didn't see the sign posts and went off the road.  Let me number the ways:

• broke my first publicized fast
• someone I've never met but was praying for got his healing in heaven
• logistic/weather problems at our annual National Day of Prayer event.  Seriously unbearably hot that day after being flanked by cooler days on either side of the event.
• someone close to me reached in the "way back" machine to pull out a series of behaviors that quite frankly don't work for me anymore, but nevertheless, send me on a quick trip to discouragement
• have been on the unpopular side of many workplace discussions
• broke out in stressed induced hives
• my workplace nemesis lodged a complaint against me with the HR Director
• my IRS amount due was unexpectedly, outrageously high
• signs point to my son going to Afghanistan
• yada, yada yada

I've spent a fair amount of time asking the unanswerable "why God?" question, with no revelation or response.  What I did get was an encouraging word from Kelli who sent me back to read the book of Joshua with the words "go back to the place where you were victorious".  What I've learned so far:

• be strong and courageous
• set aside quiet moments to build my own memorial to God's power
• don't underestimate God.  He can cause great opposition to disappear
• we fight a defeated enemy.  When I'm done running into the wilderness, I can turn and chase my pursuers.
• don't rely on my own strength and skills, especially when things seem easy and only go to God for the difficult things.  Only God knows what lies ahead.  I may get to learn lessons and remove pride before I get through it.
• pray honest prayers even when I am afraid or confused by what is happening around me.  God told Joshua "Get Up!"

There's a shift in the wind:  Isaiah 43:19 "For I am about to do something new.  See, I have already begun!  I will make a pathway through the wilderness".   I'm making a U-turn.

The first fast/work week in review

Day 2 of this fast brought my workplace nemesis to the forefront.  Ironically he is a professed Christian and I get on his spiritual and/or regular nerves.  After our ridiculuous meeting, I pondered the irony of the president of the employee's Christian group (me) in conflict with this manager while battling unlovely thoughts about him.

Day 3 sparked a spontaneous prayer meeting at our Good Govt office followed by a heartfelt blessing of our leadership by one of our members during a meeting invocation.  Much better than yesterday.

Day 4 brought surprise that I can't get the numbers on TurboTax to turn from red to green.  I read in my new Christian medical reference book Isaiah 58:6 "the kind of fasting I want calls you to free the wrongly imprisoned, ...stop oppressing ... give ... help..".  Fasting needs to go beyond my personal growth to acts of kindness, charity, justice and generosity.   

Day 5 was a fasting failure.  There, I said it. My daughter Ashley and her husband came in for one night on the last leg of their journey to a new duty station in CA.  For a brief moment all of my children were assembled in one spot and I'm grateful for that rare gift.  For about a week, I'll have 2 of Ashley's dogs in my home.  Did I mention I already have 4 of my own?

Day 1 - Saved by Chichacorn

When you eat inappropriately in advance of a fast, the first day is just cold turkey jitters and blood sugar swings.  This too shall pass.  After working through that, and its not as if I'm not eating at all, I have to put my mental house in order.  Although I dispise legalistic Christians, I tend to get legalistic with myself when I fast.  I set all kinds of mental boundaries, then break them and think unkind thoughts about my weaknesses.  It takes a couple of days to settle into the fasting groove.  At our noontime prayer today, I was pleased to find out that 3 of the 4 pray-ers were also fasting.  Thats a good sign.

Tonight I got an unexpected treat from my neighbor who brought me a bag of Chichacorn from the Philipines.  Its completely "legal", not a stitch of sweet or wheat in this spicy dried corn snack that is chock full of flavor.  Another good sign. 

The day started with a sincere apology to my husband because there's no point in a fast or trying to get closer to God when carrying a big bag of unforgivness.  That dog just won't hunt.  Blessings for today include, Eileen had a good job interview, Ashley and Bobby had safe travel in their cross country journey, Terri was at work and Elaine is hanging with Don.  

My Mini Mardi Gras

I'm starting a Daniel Fast today along with my church to pray for healing, breakthrough and salvations.  I love the fasting process for so many reasons and I fully intend to blog through this 21 day period.  I have made a committment out loud to pray intentionally for two people with cancer, and a committment to myself to pray for my family.  But before the fast comes the feast!  The Daniel Fast is basically no meat, no sweet, no wheat.  Minus the beads and debauchery, the weekend was filled with the very things I will be giving up: bread, popcorn with real butter, an egg cream from McAlpines, grilled steak with a Mich Ultra, chips, pretty much everything I like and will be missing by Day 3.  All this focus on food was complemented by the right on cue friction at home, an old tactic by those in the enemy camp assigned to distract and discourage me.  It doesn't work as easily as it used to, but can get me going in a direction that is not loving and kind.  But today is the start of the fast and first order of the day is a heaping helping of forgiveness.

Silver Lining

It's a classic case of be careful what you ask for...you just might get it.  My life is changing and shifting. I'm in a new season, beginning to take the things I've learned and experienced to move forward to something that is still unknown and uncertain, yet promising and rewarding.  But I also see that things I love are falling away -- friendships, habits, prized possessions. 

I've held on to one thing tightly, especially through this economic downturn, so thankful that I haven't been forced to give it up.  And yet, I'm sensing its time to let go.  My heart doesn't want to, so I asked God to show me a way to do this (and then I would see if I agreed with it -- let's just be real).  That prayer was answered immediately. 

While riding my horse Wilder around the stable property I met a group of women who are starting Silver Lining, a therapeutic riding program for children with disabilities and autism.  I happened to wonder aloud if Wilder could be a participant as they only have one horse and a great need.  The following week Wilder aced his interview.  They now working with him on a regular basis during the week while I have no time for him.  If he continues to be successful, they will give him a home and a job to do.  Last weekend I found this in a note taped to the tack room door "being a therapy horse is like being an angel on earth and Wilder is truly one of earth's angels."  Tears are welling up even now, but I see the silver lining I can live in an answered prayer that exceeded my earthly expectations.

I'm not who I was

Over dinner last week, my friend Sue commented on the changes in my life.  She's known me since I took a leap of faith to connect with an untraditional church with the hope my life would change for the better.  She's a witness to a transformed life.

Skyway Church's mission is to: "Heal. Train. Send".  I am a product of that model having started my journey of faith with a lifetime of emotional baggage and a faltering marriage.  My initial plan was to be invisible, except there was Shirley who greeted me every week as if to say "I see you".  Next step was to join a women's small group where I connected with Kelli and Marie, two women unlike any I've ever met before.  Kelli will tell you that they never expected to see me back a second time, mess that I was!  They loved, encouraged, challenged, supported, and confronted me to move out of my deep rut and hold on to Jesus.  They saw potential and possibilities in me and called them out.  The healing phase had begun.

Life's Lottery

I'm still thinking about the Safe Driver Awareness class I took at work last week.  Instead of being bored, I had an epiphany, a crystal clear revelation that I am not going to be a lottery winner, ever.  Oh, I've been known to engage in daydreams when the lottery gets up to a gazillion dollars.  I'd give and give and give some more, as if to say "See God, you can trust me with this large sum of money.  Here's my business plan.  I won't chase after idols, luxury and pleasures of the flesh like other people would."  I can breathe a sigh of relief, I won't have those kind of problems.

Truth is, I've been an active player in life's lottery of driving.  I listened to the statistics, watched video clips of accidents (not bloody gore like the "Red Asphalt" in high school driver's ed but very effective) and saw how innocent people driving around minding their own business can be blown away from the actions of others, or simply from being in wrong place at the very worst, wrong time.  I've been driving for more years of my life than I haven't been driving.  Besides some very minor mishaps, I am blessed to have navigated so many miles without serious consequences.  As soon as we pull out of our driveway and onto the road, we start to play the lottery.  Lose here and  you can lose big.

Two big take-aways in class:  First, text messaging kills 6,000 people a year/ about 17 people a day, and its not just the texters who get killed. Just don't do it.  Its an awful thought that 17 families a day lose a loved one over a text.  Second, make sure everyone, including people in the back seat buckle up.  Watching an unbuckled person become a projectile in a car slamming into every occupant during an accident is visual that sticks with you.  Play it safe and be careful out there.